


Starting Over

by twdsunshine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 08:24:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19128250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsunshine/pseuds/twdsunshine
Summary: Free from his prison cell for the first time in six years, Negan only has one thing on his mind - finding the girl he left behind.  But, with the Sanctuary abandoned and his Saviors long gone, he realises he has no clue where she might be.





	Starting Over

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request from the lovely @thehall0wqueeen. I’m so sorry it’s taken so long! I really hope you like it!

His footsteps echoed through the empty building as he wandered through its rooms.  A thick layer of dust coated every surface, and there was a chill to the air that felt threatening, eerie, the silence overwhelming.  Negan shivered.  For so long this factory, thick concrete walls and high windows, soulless and secure, had been home to him - his haven, his kingdom - but now it stood, neglected, barely a shadow of what it had been.  It was plain to see, there was nothing here for him anymore.  

It was a bleak reality.  He’d been so hopeful when he’d slipped away from Alexandria, up and over the fence, lithe and quick, despite the years spent locked up, unable to do much other than pace back and forth and stretch his aging joints.  He wasn’t looking for more people to lead.  Hell, he knew he’d messed that up.  And he wasn’t looking to escape, not really.  He resented the cell that they locked him in, sure, but life in the Safe Zone wasn’t all bad.  He had a roof over his head, food in his belly, a whole host of interesting characters to empty his shit bucket, and he’d actually go so far as to say he enjoyed his conversations with the kid.  But he hated not knowing: what had happened to his people; whether the Sanctuary still stood; where his beautiful Lucille had been hidden away; and, most importantly, what had happened to Y/N.  Michonne and her allies had been frustratingly tight-lipped whenever he sought answers to the questions that kept him up at night, refusing to give even the most cryptic of clues, so that, from time to time, he actually found himself missing Rick.  The sheriff was a pain in his ass, sure, but he loved the sound of his own voice, and occasionally, while he was monologuing about the future, or the new world, or the size of his dick, he’d let something slip that Negan might be able to use when the moment suited.  But now, with Rick the prick gone, the merry men were running the show, and all that juicy gossip had dried right up, leaving him clueless.

Exhaling heavily, he sank down on the metal staircase, rubbing a hand over his beard, fighting against the disappointment that had knotted in his gut.  Shit, he’d thought she’d be here.  He’d been counting on it.  It was how he always pictured her in his head, when sleep wouldn’t come and he needed a little comfort to see him through the darkest hours: walking the fences, staring out towards the horizon, missing him but forging on, strong and unshakeable, keeping their secret as the years went by.  Because - and he often thought it was the sweetest thing about what he had with Y/N, what had allowed it to grow into something real and honest and messy - nobody else knew that they were together.  His wives were common knowledge.  Hell, he made sure of that.  Their very existence gave him status, power.  But it was all bullshit, really.  Sure, there’d been a time when he’d think nothing of coaxing one or other of them into his bed to make the most of being a married man and the perks that brought with it, but it was just sex.  They hated him and, if he was being honest, though they were easy on the eye, he hated their vulnerability, wondering how they’d survived so long in this world before he’d come along.  But Y/N was different.  

Right from the start, she’d had the ability to set a simmering heat burning through his veins with just a smirk in his direction.  The first time she’d looked him in the eye, planted one hand on her hip and actually spoken to him, all fiery attitude and snark, he thought he might just explode right there in the yard, and his grip on Lucille had tightened until his knuckles cracked.  She’d reeled him in a little more every single day until he was practically begging her to take him up on his offer and join him for dinner, of course with the intention of indulging in something super sweet for dessert, and then she’d said no.  At first, it had knocked him for six, rejection not something he’d been used to, before the world ended or since, but then he’d risen to the challenge and, when she’d finally given in to him, spread out beneath him, skin flushed with heat, chest heaving with the exertion of tearing his clothes from his flesh, she’d arched an eyebrow, quirked her lips in a teasing smile and husked, ‘See, I knew you could do it.’

He’d been smitten, totally and utterly under her spell, and he’d remained that way, right up until Rick had slit his throat and brought everything he’d worked so hard to build crashing down.

And now, he realised, the knot in his stomach growing and tightening until it felt like a lead weight, dragging him down, he didn’t have a damn clue where she was, or if she was even still alive.  Hell, for all he knew, she’d been taken out on that field that day, bleeding out alone, afraid, whilst he battled Rick for control.  Or else, she’d thought him dead, packed her things and headed out into the wild.  How far away would she be by now if that was the case?  Six years was a damn long time and if she’d spent it on the road, she could be in Canada by now for all he knew.  He shook his head, trying to banish that idea from his mind.  It didn’t matter if she was Canada or Mexico or somewhere in between, that was really the point he needed to face up to.  The fact was that she wasn’t here and that meant that his chances of finding her were pretty much zero.  Zilch.  Fucking nada.  She was lost, to him at least.  Gone.

He was glad that it was the kid that found him in the end.  She was kinda cute, all gung-ho with her pistol raised and that damn sheriff’s hat on her head.  He was already on his way back, having decided that, if there really was nothing left out there for him then he might as well turn himself in and be home in time for dinner, but, damn, if she didn’t take charge and march his ass right up to the gates.  The apple didn’t fall far from the fucking tree, that was the truth, and Rick would’ve been proud if he saw the way she handled that Python.  Hell, even Negan was a little proud if he was honest, but he’d never admit it.  

He was manhandled back to his cell, the locks checked, once, twice, then a third time while he stretched out on his bunk, replaying the events of the day in his head.  It hadn’t gone as he’d expected it to, that was for sure, and it smarted that the community he’d pulled together had split off, gone their separate ways without him.  But losing Y/N, that’s what hurt the most, cutting deep, like a knife through the chest, and he tipped his head back against the wall behind him, sucking in a deep breath as he fought to keep it together.  What did it matter really, after all?  He hadn’t so much as laid eyes on her in six years.  Six long fucking years.  Even if she had been there, who was to say that she’d still be the woman he’d fallen in love with?  And who was to say he was still the same man?  Captivity changed a guy after all, and he had nobody else around him who cared enough to gauge that change.  Maybe, even if he’d managed to find her, they’d have found themselves staring into the eyes of a stranger.  He thought that might have been worse than not finding her at all.

‘Are you crying?’

Negan glanced up at the sound of Judith’s voice, wiping away a single stray tear with the tip of his finger before he shook his head, unable to keep the slight smile from his lips as she leaned in the doorway, legs crossed at the ankle, arms folded over her chest.  ‘You shouldn’t be here, kiddo.  Mama Michonne won’t like it.’

‘She doesn’t have to know,’ she pointed out with a shrug, stepping further into the room so she could slide down the wall and settle herself on the floor.  ‘What are you crying about?  Is it because you had to come back here?’

‘Kinda,’ he admitted, twisting round on his bunk to face her.  ‘I was hoping I might find something today and I didn’t.  And that upset me, a whole lot.’

‘You mean the Sanctuary?’

‘That’s a part of it.  The Sanctuary, the people that used to live there.  One person in particular who meant a lot to me.  It’s all gone now.  That was hard to see.’

Judith nodded, focusing on the toes of her boots as she tapped them together.  ‘Was that someone who meant a lot to you your girlfriend?’

‘Why, yes, she was.  Not that anybody knew about it.’

‘Why didn’t anybody know?’

‘Because I had six wives,’ he told her with a grin, his amusement growing when she rolled her eyes.  ‘And I wanted something that was real for a change, just for me.’

‘Tell me about her.’

So, Negan did.  He told her about the way she wrinkled her nose when she didn’t believe what he was saying, and the way her tongue poked out from the corner of her mouth when she was lining up a shot.  He told her that her addiction before the world ended had been cherry soda pop and that she’d sell her soul for a can now, something he’d been more than willing to take advantage of once or twice, when he’d gotten lucky on a supply run.  He explained that she’d taught martial arts for a while back in college to earn a little extra money towards rent, and how she’d taught him a move or two during the time they’d been together.  ‘She was a badass.  I swear, she was the fiercest little firecracker I ever came across, and beautiful to boot.  Ain’t never gonna find another one like her, that’s for sure.  She was a once in a lifetime kinda woman.’

Judith had listened intently as he spoke, leaning forward with her hands clasped together.  Now, she cocked her head to one side, regarding him coolly.  ‘Did you love her?’

‘With every fucking piece of me.’

‘Language,’ she scolded him, before fixing him with a look of determination.  ‘I don’t understand.  You’re a bad man.  That’s what Mom says.  Bad men aren’t capable of love.’

‘Oh, I can assure you, we are.’  He shot her a wink, smirking when her nose twitched, a sure sign that she was fighting against a smile.  ‘I’m capable of being your friend, aren’t I?  We’re friends, right?’

‘I guess so.’

‘So, love is just friendship on steroids, or some shit like that.  Not that it matters anymore.  She’s gone and I’m back behind bars, so I guess everything ended up as it should be, huh?’

‘Y’know…’  The little girl shifted forwards on to her knees so she could crawl towards him, her voice barely a whisper as she drew closer.  ‘Your girlfriend sounds kinda familiar.’

‘You think?’

She nodded eagerly.  ‘Uh huh.  There’s a real nice lady who lives next door to Aaron.  People say she came here after the war, but she teaches martial arts out on the grass sometimes.  Do you think it might be her?’

‘Well, what’s her name, kid?  Don’t keep me in suspense here.’  Negan almost missed her response, with his heart pounding so hard that every beat was amplified and it felt as if it might burst out of his chest.  But he heard it, and then it skipped a beat so it felt like he was free falling through the air, plummeting towards the earth from somewhere high above.  

‘It’s Y/N.  What was your girlfriend’s name?’

‘Well, shit, doll.  It’s Y/N.  That was her name.  It’s gotta be her.’

‘Language!’

*****

You were stretching beside the water, enjoying a rare moment of tranquility before the rest of the community woke up, when you heard footsteps pounding along the road towards you.  You turned, bringing up a hand to shield your eyes from the early morning sun, already warm enough to cause sweat to bead on the back of your neck.  Judith Grimes was out of breath when she finally reached your side, flapping her hands in front of her face as she fought to get her words out, a wide grin splitting her face.

‘Judy, Judy, slow down.’  You couldn’t help but laugh at her excitement, dropping into a low crouch so you could take her by the shoulders and hold her still.  ‘Alright, first breathe.’  You waited while she did as you said, taking a deep breath in through her nose, then letting it out through pursed lips, with a hint of a whistle.  ‘Now, tell me what’s got you all worked up.’

‘Is it true that you came here from the Sanctuary?’

A dark feeling stole over you.  It had been a long time since you’d been a Savior, and you knew some within the community still regarded you with an element of suspicion, even after all these years.  ‘Maybe.  Why?’

‘Did you have a boyfriend while you were there?’

Pain shot through your chest like a bullet, your jaw dropping as you struggled with the question.  Despite the time that had passed since his death, still nobody knew that you’d been with Negan.  At first, you’d kept your mouth shut because you feared for your life.  And then, it just hadn’t seemed important anymore.  He was gone and you had to carry on, had to build a new life in a new community surrounded by new people.  It had just been easier to push your grief down and force yourself to live.  And then you’d met Eduardo.

It had been difficult at first, letting down your walls and inviting somebody else in, but each time your work took you to Hilltop, the guard would spend his time chipping away at the barrier you threw you up, until you found that you were looking forward to seeing him as the large wooden gates swung open.  That had been three years ago, and, after eighteen months, as your relationship grew more serious, he’d packed up and moved to join you in Alexandria.  It had been the right decision, a good one for you both, and, though you’d talked in vague terms about your romantic histories, you’d always held back, afraid that, to admit your connection with the Sanctuary’s former leader, would be to change Eduardo’s view on you completely.  And so, you’d kept quiet, up till now.

‘Maybe,’ you hedged, trying to play down your tension as Judith let out an excited squeal, her small hand slipping in to yours as she turned to leave, tugging you along with her.  ‘Judith, what’s this about?  What’s going on?’

‘You’ll see,’ was all she would say.

Down the road, past the home where your partner still slept, into one of the houses that stood empty, down a flight of stairs towards the basement.

‘Judy, c’mon, where are we going?  You have to tell me where you’re taking me.’

If there was an edge of panic to your voice, then she was too set on her task to hear it, and she pushed through the heavy door at the bottom of the steps with a flourish.

‘I found her!’

The room was small and dark, only one tiny window set near the ceiling allowing any light to filter in.  You could just make out the bars of what appeared to be a cell and then movement behind it as a tall figure climbed to their feet.  You froze, uncertain, afraid, as they moved closer, and then the thin rays of watery sunlight fell across the figure’s face, and a gasp of shock fell from your lips.

‘Well,’ Judith prompted as the two of you regarded each other in silence, too stunned to move, let alone to speak as the past caught up with you and wrapped you in its heady embrace.  ‘Is it her?’

‘Yeah.’  Negan’s voice was just as deep as you remembered, that same gravelly tone that used to make your toes curl.  ‘Yeah, it’s her.  Gotta say, kid, I fucking owe you one.  I never thought… I never would’ve believed…’

‘Negan?’  You still couldn’t believe what you were seeing.  How could it be that he was standing right there before you, very much alive, when you’d been so sure that he was dead?  You’d watched from a distance as Rick had slit his throat, powerless to stop it, and then you’d turned and run for home.  To stay would have been to reveal your secret as you crashed, coming apart at the seams, lost in your grief for the man that had chosen you over all the others.  

‘Goddamn,’ he breathed, shaking his head, his chocolate gaze dropping to the ground for a split second before it flicked back up to burn into you once more.  ‘Still just as beautiful as ever, princess.  It’s been a long time.’

‘How are you-  What the-  Is this real?  How are you alive?  How are you standing in front of me right now?’

‘You didn’t know?’

You shook your head.

‘Shit, doll, I’m sorry.  I thought they would’ve…’  He tailed off, turning his attention to Judith.  ‘Do any of my people know I’m alive?’

‘I think some did.’  She wrinkled her nose as she thought hard.  ‘I think I remember Mom saying that they told the ones that stayed at the Sanctuary, but then they all thought you’d escape and go back, and they were painting your name on the walls, and it got a little weird.  So, when it fell and the people living there all went off their separate ways, they decided not to tell anyone else, just in case.  Or something.’  She shrugged.  ‘I don’t know.  I was, like, four.  I can ask her-’

‘No, don’t,’ you bit out, and she snapped her mouth shut, eyes flicking between you and Negan.  ‘Sorry, I just… I need some time to… God, I can’t believe this.’

‘Hey, kid, you think you can give us a few minutes?’  Negan tipped his head towards the door, and Judith did as she was asked, backing hurriedly towards it.

‘Sure.’

‘And no listening at the window either, you hear me?  Just keep a look out for me, okay?’

‘Alright.’  The door clicked shut behind her and you listened to the tap of her boots against the stairs as she left.

‘Well, sweetheart, s’just you and me.’  Negan had approached the bars now, leaning against them, and you could see that the time hadn’t changed him much at all.  The lines around his eyes were a little deeper, his beard now more salt than pepper and he had a thin red line across his neck, a scar leftover from Rick’s brutality.  ‘Yeah, you noticed that, huh?  Did you see it happen?’

You nodded, unable to find your words as you took a step closer, reaching out to trace your fingers over the slightly puckered skin.  

‘Guessing you thought that he did me in, ol’ Rick.  But nah.  He told his doc to save me.  Something about something his son said.  I knew I liked that kid.’

He was smiling, a crooked grin that used to set your heart racing, and it might have done again had you not been convinced that this must all be some kind of dream.  ‘So, you’re alive.’

‘Yep.’  He gestured around him, arms spread.  ‘Welcome to my home for the past six years.  It’s not much but you get used to it, I swear.  It’s not all bad.’

‘Negan, you’re alive.’

‘They keep me fed, watered.  Hell, occasionally they even let me shave.  There are worse places to be locked up, I’ll bet.’

‘Negan!’  Your raised voice silenced him, and your mouth worked uselessly for several long moments before you managed to force out this new and overwhelming truth once again.  ‘You’re alive!’

‘C’mere.’  No sooner had the words left his mouth than you were barrelling towards him, falling into his arms as they snaked between the bars and wrapped around you, holding you tight.  Despite the metal between you, you could feel the soft fabric of his t-shirt, the scrape of his beard against your cheek, and you could smell the soft, piney scent of him, so achingly familiar that it took your breath away.  ‘I got you, sweetheart.  I’m so sorry.  I’m here now.  It’s all gonna be alright, I promise.’

‘How?’  You broke away, lost and falling faster with every passing moment.  ‘How is this going to be alright?  You’re locked in a cage like an animal, Negan.  Like a criminal.  And it’s been six years and nobody even knows about us, about what we had, and I thought you were dead.  All this time, I thought you were dead, and I’ve… I’ve moved on, okay?  Because I had to.  I needed to move on.  I couldn’t hold on to you forever, to the memory of us, because it hurt so bad, and then I met someone, someone new, and I had to let him in, Negan, I had to.  Because… because you were gone.  You were dead.  You were supposed to be dead.’

He listened to your outburst, eyes narrowing more with every word, until they were squeezed tight shut, and he sucked in a deep breath as you finished, rubbing his hand over his beard as he turned away.  For a moment, you thought he might actually ask you to leave, but instead he just sighed heavily.  ‘Shit, what a mess.’

‘I’m sorry.’  It seemed so small, so inadequate, but you had no clue what else to say.

‘You don’t gotta be sorry, sweetheart.  This isn’t your fault.’  He sank back down onto his bunk, looking up at you now with a beseeching gaze.  ‘Who is it?  Someone I know?  Please tell me it’s not Daryl.’

‘It’s not Daryl,’ you assured him.  ‘His name’s Eduardo.  He was one of the guards at Hilltop.  I don’t know if your paths ever crossed.’

‘And he treats you good, this Eduardo?’

‘He does.  He loves me.  He moved here to be with me.  I mean…’  You tailed off and he leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

‘Do you love him?’

‘I do.’

‘Like you loved me?’

The question surprised you and yet you’d known it was coming.  In that moment though, you had no clue how to answer it.  Eduardo was a good man, wholly committed to you, and he made you laugh.  Your life was better with him in it, and you knew you’d feel unbearably lonely without him.  And yet…  ‘It’s different.’

‘Is that right?’

‘Yes.  Don’t look at me like that, Negan, okay?  What we had was… It was passionate and intense and insane.  I’d never loved anybody like I loved you and I probably never will again.  But Eduardo, he’s… He’s good for me.  He’s calm and he’s kind and he’s funny.  He’s exactly what I needed to get over you.’

‘And are you?’  He cleared his throat, as if afraid to ask a question he might not like the answer to.  ‘Over me?  Is that it?  Six years thinking I’m dead and gone, and we’re just… done?’

You arched an eyebrow at him and he smirked, clueing you in to the fact that he knew exactly how ridiculous that sounded.  ‘You know I’ll always love you.  A part of me will, at least.’

‘A part?’ His smirk grew.  ‘Which part?’

‘Stop.’

‘Alright, alright.’  He climbed to his feet, once again and stalked towards you, resting his hands on the bars as he stared you down.  ‘So, old Eduardo’s keeping your itches scratched.  I can handle that.  It’s been a long time.  But let me tell you something, okay?  One day, the powers that be around here, they’re gonna see that I’m a changed man and they’re gonna let me outta this cell.  And when that day comes, sweetheart, you’re gonna have a decision to make, because I’m gonna be coming for you.’

‘Negan…’

‘No, don’t.  I love you, Y/N, just as much as I ever did.  Hell, I managed to slip outta here and finally get a little taste of freedom, and the first thing I did was head back to the factory to look for you.  You’re what’s kept me going for the last six, longass years.  I remember how it was with us and I’m willing to bet that it’s a whole lot better than anything that glorified guard dog can give you.  So, you better start thinking, because I’m gonna fight for you.  And I’m gonna spend every second of every day up until that point proving to you that I’m the one you want to be with, and you know I can.  I’ve done it before.’

‘I’ve changed, Negan.  We both have.’

‘So, that’s where we’ll start then, huh?  From the beginning.  Forget about what we were, let’s focus on what we will be.  I’m willing to give it a go if you are.’

‘C’mon, just stop, please.’

He put on an exaggerated drawl, squaring his shoulders and drawing himself up to his full height so that he towered over you.  ‘Well, hey there, sweetheart.  What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a dive like this?  I’m Negan.’

‘Negan, I said-’

‘You gonna tell me your name, princess?’

‘God, this is ridiculous.’  You buried your face in your hands, trying to remember a simpler time, just a half hour ago when you’d been gearing up to do your morning jog without all of these complications messing with your head.  ‘I don’t know what to do here, Negan.  I… I thought you were dead.’

‘I know.’  He dropped the act, reaching through the bars to take your hand, lacing your fingers together and squeezing them tight.  ‘I know this isn’t easy on you, doll.  I’m sorry.  I just… I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try.’

‘I know.’  You took a deep breath, raising your arm to glance at your watch.  ‘Shit.  I’m supposed to be leaving for a supply run in ten.  I’ve gotta go.’

‘Don’t.’  His voice was pleading, his facade well and truly gone now that you were slipping away, and your heart broke for him, locked up in here, alone.  

‘I have to.  I’m sorry.  I have a life here, responsibilities.’

‘And what about us, huh?  What about starting over?  You haven’t even given me a chance.  I want to know what your life is like now.  I want to know what you’ve been doing these last six years.  I just want to talk to you, doll, that’s all.  I miss you.’

You turned to leave, trying and failing to shut him out, to push through this revelation and get back to your life as it was now, leave the past behind.  But the truth was you missed him too, had felt like a piece of you was missing until you’d stepped through that door and seen his face again.  You couldn’t let this go.  ‘I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?  No promises, Negan.  It’s just talking, catching up, as friends.  Anything else… I can’t say for sure.’

‘It’s a start.’

As you climbed the stairs, you knew that you’d just set something in motion that you didn’t have the power to stop.  You’d agreed to let him in, and there was only one inevitable conclusion to that.  Yes, you needed to start over, to get to know one another again after so long apart, and yes, you’d both changed, possibly beyond recognition.  But, even after all this time, you were drawn to him, like a moth to a flame, and you knew that he’d win this fight.  Starting over meant nothing.  You’d always be his.


End file.
